Solomon Koffi

From: Mr Solomon Koffi []
Date: 3.1.2015 18:53
To: Santeri Mäkinen []

Subject: contract

SirI am writing this letter in other to inform you of a business that will benefit both of us immensely as long as you will make up your mind to co-operate accordingly but before going into details, I want you to take note that this business is not a child's play or something to toy with rather it is a business that will give us the oppurtunity to make lots of money.

I have been unjustly treated by my partner in a transaction so, I seek your help, attention and genuine co-operation to our mutual benefit and I believe that you will not let down the trust and confidence I am about to repose on you.I have been working in an import and export firm that pays me about two hundred dollars per month for the past ten years.I worked with this company as the product sourcing manager.

Between the 17th - 19th of Feb., 2014 a seminar was held in Bouake, Cote d'Ivoire of which I attended. While in the Seminar, I was opportuned to meet one Alhaji who introduced himself to me as the president and CEO of his company. Alhaji is an accomplished and widely known millionaire farmer in this part of the region. He has cattle farms in MALI, SENEGAL, GUINEA,BURKINA FASO,CHAD REP, and a new one located at ZIMBABWE. Above all, he is one of the greatest supplier of cattle, beef and other dairy products in this part of the West Coast. On knowing my profession,he took me into confidence by informing me about the purchase of a particular but very rare medicine for his cattle.

He informed me about the huge amount of money he spends on the purchase of this very important cattle medicine. Precisely, he pays US$2,000 per carton of the medicine. He asked if my organization can source for a cheaper supplier for him.

Back in my office,I discussed this proposal with my boss and he decided to handle the supply by himself. We carried out a market research and discovered that we could purchase this medicine cheaper somewhere in Europe for US$575.00 per carton. We moved a proposal to the farmer to supply him this vaccine at US$1,500.00 per carton of which he accepted.My company made a very big financial breakthrough when we started supplying this vaccine to this wealthy farmer.As these supplies progressed, and my boss made so much money from the contract, I requested my boss for an increase in my salary. My boss was so upset at my request that he sacked me without benefits after ten years of dedicated workmanship.

I was so desperate that I went to Alhaji and informed him that I have a foreign contact that will be willing to supply him this same product at US$1,250. per carton.Alhaji in turn, confided in me that he is about to place order for 2000 cartons of this same medicine following a suspected outbreak of disease in his farms.I assured Alhaji that my foreign contact will be in the position to manufacture and supply to him this vaccine at a company rate of US$1,250 per carton. Infact, I convinced Alhaji that my former boss usually buys the medicine from my foreign contact and that is why he sales to him at a higher price.


I therefore wish to present you as my foreign contact so that you can handle the supplies to Alhaji.If you can handle the contract,kindly contact me immediately for details and negotiations on what is going to be my commission.We will get the medicine from the producers at US$575 and supply to Alhaji at US$1250 per carton of 12 bottles(500ml).

Kindly be notified that at no point in time should you let this cattle farmer to know the contact of our real source of this product in Europe so that they wouldn't bypass us to deal directly with them.

Thanks and God bless you.

Mr Solomon KOFFI

From: Santeri Mäkinen []
Date: 4.1.2015 18:35
To: Mr Solomon Koffi []
Subject: contract

Wow, slow down there tiger! I didn't ask to hear the story of your life.

As for me, my life began in the spring of 1987. As the first child for my parents, I was much loved and looked up upon. Life was good, life was grand. Then, in the dark and cold winter of 1990, my sister was born. This meant rivalry.

By the spring of 1991, I had completely forgotten about the rivalry, since less attention to me meant more fun for me to do unsupervised. This one time, when I was six years old, I killed a snake and then fed it to a dog. Later, when I was eight, I killed a man and buried him in the desert.

Actually, both of those things were lies. I have never killed a snake (on purpose) and have hardly ever killed a man. Also, there are no deserts in Finland. So it was a poor lie. I'm not a good liar.

My dad once killed a snake. It was a "rantakäärme" which would directly translate as "beachsnake", which would be a great title for a kids show about the adventures of cool snake just trying to chill on the beach without being hassled by the man. Anyway, the beachsnake had gotten to our house and my dad and his friend Jukka killed it with fireplace tools. It was then put in a Tupperware can and placed in this pile of junk that was going to the junkyard.

A couple of days later, at school, my classmate Lauri had gotten a new Nikko race car and wanted to show it to everybody. For some reason, most likely because I didn't have a Nikko race car, I took this as a challenge and told everybody I had dead fucking snake in my house. Needless to say, everybody from school came to my place, except Lauri, who I told could not come because he was uncool. I guess Lauri then went home alone to play and cry with his gay Nikko toy. Anyway, me and my cool friends got to my place, opened the Tupperware can and for many minutes we just stared at the snake covered with small bugs and flies. The question on everybody's lips was "How the hell did the bugs and the flies get to the snake through the Tupperware lid?"

Once, almost 20 years later, I asked this same question from my boss. I was pretty sure that he was a certified idiot and I assumed it would make him really good at thinking outside the box, like Rainman. He thought about it for a moment, and then speculated that the Tupperware lid must have been open. I didn't buy that. Tupperware lids are really easy to close, and I am pretty sure it was closed. I asked him if it could be possible that the bugs and flies used tools, like small sticks or something, to bend the lid open and get in. He looked at me stupidly. I then sighed and imitated it to him, using the art of mime. I was the bug and with an invisible crowbar I jammed the safe open. He said that bugs don't use tools. That wasn't actually true, but I didn't want to argue about it. Arguing with a stupid person is like arguing with a fork. You can't win. I then asked if he knew how to count cards like Rainman and he left.

My current theory is that a snake is born with the bugs and flies under its skin. And when it dies, the bugs and flies wake up from their hibernation and emerge through the snakes skin to eat. The bugs and flies would therefore be like the Uninstall program that comes with a game.

I once heard that snakes can reproduce by themselves, but that just isn't true. I know that because I have owned a snake and I asked the man who sold it to me if it was true. It was not.

My then girlfriend and I bought a small and feeble corn snake I named Lompakko, which means Wallet in English. It never learned to eat, which on my eyes meant it didn't have the right to live. So then we got a new Californian Kingsnake I quickly named Lompakko 2000, which you can now probably translate yourself. Lompakko 2000 was a cool snake, and really strong too. Unfortunately it was still a snake, which meant it didn't do anything, ever.

It once took a huge dump in front of me though, and the image of the event was burned to my retinas that fucking instance. Have you ever seen how snakes take a shit? It's horrible! It's not like it squeezes it out, oh no. No, when snake takes a shit, it fucking opens up from the middle and then just lets it slide out. If you would like to see it for yourself, pour huge amounts of milk, cookies and eggs in a plastic bag. Leave the bag in the sun for a couple of days. Then hang it on the ceiling. With a knife, slice the bottom of the bag open quickly and enjoy the show. Congratulations, you have just witnessed a snake taking a shit.

Apart from the way they take a shit and do nothing, ever, I do actually like snakes. I like their way of life. They just chill in the bushes, waiting for the food to come to them. And when the food comes, then, if they feel like it, they just take it and keep on chilling on the bushes. In Finland when the summer arrives, the snakes even go to the warm rocks a get a fucking tan. The snakes are the animal version of slackers.

But as pets, the snakes just don't give you any joy. Hamsters have the same problem.

I bought my first hamster when I lived alone in Turku. I had been in a relationship with this Swedish girl for a couple of months and was talking to her via Skype. As a gentleman, I told her she could name the hamster. It was then named Ronaldo, after her sexual fantasy, the football player from The Land of I Don't Know and Don't Care. I told her it was a great and apt name, because just like Ronaldo the footballer, Ronaldo the hamster had ugly fucking teeth and a small dick. That didn't get a laugh from her. So later when she asked me why did I get a hamster anyway, I told her (as my next joke) that I had an open ended glass tube I had had no use for, but now with a hamster in my possession, the tube could be used to insert it into my ass.

She then left me. This, I am sorry to say, is a completely true story.

Anyway, Ronaldo was an interesting animal. It never allowed me to touch it, which was probably a good call because I was a bit angry with it. It had destroyed my relationship after all and never even apologized.

This one time Ronaldo was standing on the door of the cage, looking at me, being suspiciously quiet. I went closer and lowered myself to its level. He kept looking at me, curious, smiling. I looked at him, wondering what the hell it was up to. What happened next, happened in a split second. The moment I saw the poo it was holding in its hands, it threw it straight in my eye.

Ronaldo didn't die then only because it was faster than I was.This one time I gave Ronaldo a carrot and he chewed it like a true sculptor until it looked like a huge dick. I started calling him gay. At least we were on the same wavelength when it came to our sense of humor.

Ronaldo lived to be almost two years old, which in gay hamster years is a lot, like 50. The day before he died, one of the biggest snowstorms in Finland's history came. The little fairy probably saw the snow pouring outside the window and laughed himself to death, thinking of me having to dig him a grave on the frozen ground covered with over a meter of snow. Which I incidentally had to do. I however also recited his favorite verse from In The Navy on his burial, commemorating his sparklingly super life. Also, the next day, his grave was dug open by a neighbors cat who ate his corpse. I had a healthy gut laugh.

My other hamster, which I bought a couple of years later, was named Beef Supreme. I got to name him this time, if you can believe.

He was fine. That's just about all I can say about him. He didn't like to be touched, he didn't like certain foods and he didn't like to be put on a hamster ball and made a music video about. It's a really long story, but I can tell you it involved three bottles of wine.

Beef Supreme did however like Harry Potter films. When I watched them with my girlfriend Anna, he stopped running in his wheel and actually paid attention to the films. His favorite Harry Potter was the one where Harry flew on his broom, did some enchantments and in the end saved the day against all odds by using those enchantments while flying with a broom.

When Beef Supreme died, my reaction was this: Oh, he's dead. Well, I guess we have to OH MY GOD, ANNA, COME QUICKLY, THERE'S A RAINBOW OUTSIDE! A REAL FUCKING RAINBOW!

Currently, I have a cat, which is by far the best pet I have ever had. Unfortunately this time, naming proved to be a huge problem. To tell you that story, I first have to tell you about this course we had in school.

It was a mandatory course about forming your own firm, which was just as jawbreakingly dull as you can imagine. As a part of this course, we students had to pair up and make up ideas for a business. I formed a group with my classmates Juuso and Roope. Our firm was called Deliverance: The Adventure (Syvä Joki Elämysmatkat). For a small fee, you could partake in a canoe -trip in northern Finland, play some banjo, squeal like a pig and shoot with a crossbow.

Anyway, while we were busy laughing at the idea of male rape, my other classmates Markus and Sebastian formed a firm which would sell USB-memory sticks, because, you know, memory sticks. Who doesn't need them, right? And when they had to decide who was their firms managing director, they wrote that it was their cat, Herra Minkkinen, which would kind of translate as Mister Fluffy or something.

Now, when me and Anna went to get a cat from a scary lady, she gave us a female cat. Therefore I named her Neiti Minkkinen (Miss Fluffy) and told everybody it was the daughter of Herra Minkkinen. I was contend with the name and everything was fine for a while. Me, Anna and Neiti Minkkinen were a family.

Then her balls dropped.

You could say it became as a surprise that we had a male cat, not a female cat. The scary lady had told us it was a female and it looked so goddamn small that we never questioned it, until the day that we now refer to as The Day The Balls Came happened.

Anyway, the biggest problem now became the name. Neiti Minkkinen was a girls name. I could just change it to Herra Minkkinen now and it would make sense. But if I did that, I would have to admit that I had made a mistake. This, as everyone who knows me could tell you, is not an option.

So, as of today, we have a male cat called Neiti Minkkinen.

Neiti Minkkinen is a pretty typical cat. He hates everybody, expects service all the time, thinks it's manly to purr and hunts me every time I walk from point A to B. I hate it when he does that. Also, if the hunting is good, I reward him with some candy. I know, it doesn't make sense when you think about it. We have a complicated relationship. I bet I would be a terrible father.

Also, the cat has shown signs of being… gay. This one time, when I came from shower with my bathrobe open, Neiti Minkkinen jumped on the table and licked the end of my dick for a second.

Anyway, yes, fine let's do the deal. What do you need from me?

With love,

Santeri Mäkinen

Solomon Koffi ei vastannut