Sunderland Mäkisen elämä ja kuolema
My Dear Makinen,
My name is John Peter, a personal lawyer to my late client Sunderland.D.Makinen, I am contacting you in connection with his heritage.
My late client died in an auto-crash on the 31st of October, 2003 in accident and since then I cannot find any of his relatives because of his secretive life he lived when he was alive.
And He deposited $16.5 Million, and the bank has notified me to present to them the next of kin to enable them process for the transfer of this fund to your account. I need your support and trust, so I put the claim that the general fund please if you are interested, please contact me by e-mail: (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Barrister John Peter. Eng
Thank you for contacting me. I do remember Sunderland, we met many times in the family reunions during the 90's, but we didn't meet anymore after the disastrous family reunion of 1998. I am actually not at all sorry to hear he had died. Also, knowing his way of driving, I hope he didn't take too many people with him. Or if he did, I hope they all had it coming and deserved to die. I know that Sunderland for sure did. Let me explain.
There had always been rumors that Sunderland was actually the infamous Nazi doctor Joseph Mengele, and I always thought they were just a legend. Sure, he looked like Mengele and sure, he had this strange look on his face when he saw twins. And then there was the fact that he talked very germanish finnish. Of course none of that was enough to accuse him or anything. But then in the reunion at June 1998, he confessed being Mengele all by himself. He was drunk, angry and wanted some symphaty I guess. Well, we didn't show Sunderland any of that, let me assure you. We kicked the shit out of him. I personally kicked his teeth in and peed on his chest. I should note that I was only 11 years old, so for me it was more like a game. Nowadays I probably wouldn't have peed on him, just kicked his teeth in.
Anyway, Sunderland left for America the next day. Later we found out that he had taken with him millions of dollars worth of gold. Nazi gold. All my relatives, including me, got really depressed. Had we known he was a millionaire, we would have simply killed him, hid the body and shared the money, just like we did with uncle Maxwell back in the reunion of -93.
I for one don't want to have anything to do with Nazi gold. It is so fucking illegal and I could get in a lot of trouble with the nation of Israel and so forth. So before we move ahead, can you make sure the gold is properly "washed".
Dear Santeri Mäkinen,
Thank you very much for your mail, content duly noted with much care.
How are you today and your wonderful family? I hope you are doing fine.
Chosen you is a mystery, because, before I contacted you, I prayed over this for many days asking God to show and send me on the right person concerning the transaction, after the bank asked me to present my late client next of kin that they will transfer the fund to his or her bank account, so I contacted you. I advise you to understand that it is a miracle from God comes in our way and also a blessing of God for our both family in this season. Therefore, I beseech you in the name of the Lord, that you and I have to work together with one heart and one love, like a family. okay.
Meanwhile, as this transaction matters, all I need from you now is your total co-operation and honesty to put hand together as one family and also remember this transaction in our prayers for success, you know we cannot do anything in this life with our own power but is all by the merciful grace of God.
If I fail to present the next of kin within this time, that the fund will be moved to government cover as unclaimed fund this is the reason why I will need your full honest cooperation and understanding as we have not more than 7 to 8 banking days to make this claim.
My late client, you cousin(blessed memory) was born in 1944.He worked with Shell Development Petroleum Company Togo as an engineer and later retired to private practice as a consultant and formed an oil servicing company. He operated an account with ECOWAS BANK FOR INVESTMENT AND DEVELOPMENT (EBID) in which he deposited $16,5m, Lome-Togo until his death in an auto accident on On the 31st of October 2003 along with his family( May their souls rest in peace). I am sorry if you do not know him, but he may be your extended relation okay, however Since you shared the same last name with my late client and also from the same country with him, hence I contacted you. I do not want you to worry yourself about this okay, because every good arrangement has been made with the bank regarding this transaction for the success to enable them transfer the fund. And again I want you to be rest assured because this transaction is pure, legitimate and will under go normal procedure (meaning legal procedure because I have all the vital documents to back you up as the next of kin to my late client.
Let me explain how we are going to share this fund after you receive it in your account, you as the next of kin to my late client you will have 70% of the fund, I will have 25% as your attorney and attorney to your late relative. The 5% which will be the balance will be given to the orphanage people.
At this junction, there is need that we apply to the bank for the claim and for us to switch venture into the success of this transaction. I will need you to send me with this information below to enable me use it and prepare Letter Of Recommendation, recommending you to the bank as the next of kin for the Claim of this Fund
Inheritance, to enable them process for the transfer.
1. Your first name:
2. Your Surname:
3. Address/ Home or Office:
5. Marital status:
8. Current Telephone:
9. Your Current Email Address:
May the peace of the Lord be with you.
Barrister Peter John
How is the "content duly noted" when you obviously didn't read anything I wrote. Have you washed the Nazi gold properly? What the fuck is that Shell Petrol shit you wrote about Sunderland. Sunderland wasn't an engineer. He was a doctor with some ethical issues. And in his later life a lifeguard.
Please use some of your precious lawyer time and read my last mail. I know reading can be hard but the only way you learn it is through hard work and patience. I myself tend to use rewarding system. I tell myself that I can do a line of coke off a whores ass if I first do two hours of solid work. This way I concentrate on the work first, knowing that it's whores ass and coke when I'm done. Maybe you should use this. Read three sentences and understand them, then masturbate to a picture of a fish or something. Then another three sentences and then masturbate to a picture of a whale or something. The system works, please try it.
Also, leave God out of this from now on. God has nothing to do with Nazi gold.
I understand your hurry perfectly and will give you my information below. Everyone knows that when a person dies, it takes approximately 11 years and one week to actually deal out the inheritance.
No, wait, scratch that. I just doublechecked that and it actually takes only a week.
It's starting to dawn on me that you are not one of those really expensive lawyers, are you?
Anyway, here's my information.
1. Your first name: Santeri
2. Your Surname: Mäkinen
3. Address/ Home or Office: Valeosoite 5 00510 Suomi
4. Occupation: Neurosurgeon
5. Marital status: It's complicated
6. Nationality: Finnish
7. Age: 27
8. Current Telephone: 09 31589189 (Tämä on jonkun puhelinmyyjän numero)
9. Your Current Email Address: Well I think this one you can figure out yourself.
Because I believe in co-operation, here's the information I want from you in exhange:
1. Your first name:
2. Your surname:
3. Dog or cat -person:
4. If you had to watch one of the Transformers movies, which one would you watch:
5. Bank account (IBAN & BIC):
6. Coke or Pepsi:
7. Xbox or Playstation:
8. If you had to jump into your death from some very famous building, what building would you jump from:
9. What was your first sexual experience:
Hope to hear from you soon.
With faiding respect,
My Dear Santeri Mäkinen,
Thank you very much for your mail today, how are you and your family,
I hope all is well with you all, i thank you very much for your co-operation and understanding.
Thank you for your information which you send to me.
Meanwhile, I am not supposed to tell you this because it is a kind of personal problem but for you to know how serious and true this is and also due to your interest and trust we both need in this transaction I am forced to let you know. My wife has a kidney infection and needs a kidney transplant.
Our medical doctor referred us to India but I can not afford it now but where I have all my hope of saving her is in this transaction. I have spent all my life savings try to give her life until the transplant have been done.
Yes i have read your last mail you send to me, but i want to let you konw that i dont know what you are talking about Nazi gold okay.
So please, I want you to give me that word of Honor you are not going to make this my last hope vanish by jeopardizing this transaction.
I want to let you know that i have forward your details to bank, so i advise you to check your inbox every time to know when you have mail or letter from bank, as soon as you hear from bank or receive any mail or letter from bank, do let me know by forward the mail to me for best advise to you and to advise you what to next because i know more about this fund okay. Please can you give me your word of Honor by the following points stated below.
They are thus:-
1..you will not cheat me during the course of this transaction.
2..my own share of the money will be in your safe keep until I come over to your country for sharing and further investment.
3..that you will keep this transaction very confidential even from your best friend for safety of both parties.
4..that you shall always contact me whenever you get information from the Financial institution so that we will put heads together as one family and get this transaction consummated successfully.
Thank you very much for your co-operation and understanding while looking forward to hear from you soon.
God bless you. Although my wife is on her sick bed, she sent her regards to you and your family.
God is with us
Barrister John Peter
If you had read the first mail, you would know what I meant by Nazi gold. But it's not important anymore. Things have taken a small turn.
Don't take this personally, but after the last mail, some trust issues with you have risen. So I made a phone call to the hospital Sunderland was in. A nurse answered and told me Sunderland wasn't dead but in a coma. He also told me about this lawyer that came to the hospital once a week to argue that "when a man has been 11 years in a coma, he is legally dead, right?". The nurse told me that even though they have always told the lawyer that "No, that's not how it works", that lawyer hasn't listened to them at all. Is this lawyer you? Also, I think I have cracked the enigma that you are. You only seem to read the small sentences I write, not the large chapters like this one. So, to make sure I am right, here's my response to that Word of Honor thing you asked me to accept: No. I will not promise to do anything you asked of me and will infact work strongly against everything in there by lying to you in increasing tempo. Everything I have said is a lie and everything I will say will be a lie. Now, let's see if you ignore everything I just wrote completely, because this is a really large chapter. I believe you will.
I am sorry to hear about your wife and I will of course hasten this transaction now. I'll be waiting for the information from the bank and will let you know when anything happens. Also, how come you don't need my account number? It's just that you haven't asked for it and it kind of seems important if you want to transfer money to me.
Also, is it morally wrong to steal from a man in coma? Let's talk about this.
ATTENTION: SANTERI MÄKINEN,
FIND THE ATTACHED FILES, CATEGORY "A" OFFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE.
MRS. MONIQUE KOFO.
SECRETARY-FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT (FRD)
Hello my dear Santeri, how are you doing today and your family, i hope fine!
Thank you very much for your word to me, i want to let you know that I'm sure about this fund okay, and I'm happy to hear from you that will work with me until this fund is transfer to your bank account. So that as soon as this fund is transfer to your account, then I and my family will come to meet you in your country to have our own money from the fund, and from your country i Fly my wife India for her illness.
I have been waiting to hear from you till now, but nothing from you, and i want to let you know that i have forward your details to bank for them to contact you, so i want to know if you have hear from them or receive any mail or letter from them, please if you do, i will like to advice you to forward it to me for my best advice to you.
God bless you and as you keeping on praying to my wife to get better soon.
God is with us.
Yours brother John.
Ignore it you did! I know, you don't understand, but it's okay. I'm just making fun of you.
I hope your wife is still alive. I know we have a busy schedule and I'm terribly sorry I couldn't answer yesterday. I was in the movies. I went to see Interstellar. It was fucking awesome! Christopher Nolan is truly a genious. Should your wifes kidneys start to fail soon and, god forbid, she enter into the last hours of her life, I really recommend taking her to see Interstellar. It would be a cool way to leave this world (that’s a pretty clever pun, if you had seen the movie you would understand it).
I got the mail from the bank asking for information regarding the deceased. I've got some questions about that. How do I work around the fact that Sunderland is still alive. And how do I explain the fact that he was Mengele and part of the Nazi party, which in all likelyhood will in someway show and cause a lot of questions in the future. For example, question number 1 is about his name, question number 9 is about his party memberships and questions 1-14 are about a dead man. Do I have to lie? I really don't like to lie, ever, to nobody about nothing, except to you. Do you like to lie?
Also, last night I met my relative Montgomery Mäkinen and somehow it got leaked that I was getting Sunderlands inheritance (I left out the fact that he was still alive, that's between you, me and God). Now Montgomery wants his share of the loot. Is this okay? I promised him a share of one million dollars worth of Nazi gold from your share. Montgomery is cool though, he symphatises with your wifes sickness and almost got emotional when I told him of her shitty kidneys. I gave him your e-mail. I'm sure he will contact you soon, probably in a few minutes.
Hello Peter John,
Gods love to you in this time of trouble. I pray upon angels to help your darling wife through this dark passage upon which she has to walk. God is great, O lord see upon her well being. Amen.
Now, about Nazi gold. My relative Santeri told me he was getting all of Sunderlands inheritance. I'm sure you know by now who Sunderland really was and I must say, you are truly a sneaky dude. Not many people would dare to touch something as dangerous as Nazi gold.
As it happens, I have my own share of troubles and therefore must partake in this venture. My troubles are nothing compared to your wifes, though. I only have this lawsuit that is going to cost me a lot of money in legal fees (it's a long story, but I swear I raped all those people in self defence). That's why I really need my share of the money as soon as possible. Or if not that, your expertise as a lawyer.
How does this work. Can you send my information to the bank also?
Thank you very much for your message to me, And i want to let you know that my wife is alive and i pray that she get well soon.
For the mail from bank, i will like to advice you to forward the mail from bank to me so i can read it and get back to you will all the answer, as you know that i know more about this fund okay.
So i will like you to forward it to me for my best advice to you okay.
God is with us.
Yours brother John.
I just talked to Montgomery and we decided that it would be better if he forwarded the banks notice to you because of the issues with Nazi gold. Because he is already on trial due to something (I don't know and I don't care), it's better if he is the one doing the transaction. We both think we once saw this episode of NYPD Blue where it was clearly said you can't get sued from another crime if you have already committed another unrelated crime. As a lawyer you must know if this is true? If it is though, we as a society are truly fucked.
To make things simple, I will now send the attachment to him with this message by sending this message to both him and you. Then he will send you the attachment without sending a copy to me. This is the simplest way to do this, because now I don't have to send two messages. So even though you can see that the attachment you are looking for is in this mail, don't open it yet. Open it when Montgomery sends it to you, probably in a few minutes.
Also, I was wondering, what is your wifes name?
Hello Peter John,
Santeri send me the attachment along with the other mail and asked me to send it to you. Although you already got the same mail that had the attachment from Santeri, he apparently asked you not to open it before I send it to you. I'm not sure why we had to do it this way, but as we are all getting so much Nazi gold, it's fine by me to do things the hard way. So attached here is the attachment Santeri got from the bank about our dear relative Sunderland.
Also, I was wondering, what is your wifes favorite color?
Montgomery Archibald Mäkinen
My dear Santeri,
Thank you very much forwarding to me mail from bank, how are you doing today and your family, i hope fine!
Find attachments the file, is the answers to the question from the bank and death certificate of your late cousin and also the Funeral Picture to . Go ahead and send it to the bank, and do not forget to send a copy of your passport or driver's license or any of your ID, because they asked for 13 questionnaires.
As i wait to hear good news from you soon.
God is with us.
yours brother John
Luultavasti Sunderland ei erityisemmin välittänyt toisesta tyttärestään, koska nimesi tämän Maricon Mäkiseksi...
Thank you Peter!
Death certificate looks great, but there seems to be a few problems with it. I know for a fact Sunderland was born in the 1910s. Also, I don't know where you got that picture, but it looks like one of those pedophiles from that show. You know, the show with the pedophiles and that dude who lures them in this apartment and then goes "take a seat, take a seat right over here". I don't know for sure if he actually says that as I have never seen that show myself, I've only seen the parody on South Park. Anyway, I'm fairly certain that the dude in that picture is one of those people who had to take the seat. Because he looks like a pedophile.
Attached with this mail is a new picture from Sunderlands army days. I would like you to change the picture on the Death Certificate to that. Also, the funeral pictures look great. Because I know for a fact that Sunderland is alive and in coma, the pictures do raise one question: Who did you bury? I hope it wasn't your wife.
Please change the picture and meanwhile I will go and seek my passport. I do not have a drivers licence as cars terrify me, but I do have a passport somewhere.
Almost there now,
I forgot to mention. I decided we should cut Montgomery off. So please ignore everything he mails to you. By ignoring him, I get more money, and because I like money, this seems like a good plan to me.
When do I get my money?
Hoping to hear from you soon
Hello my dear Santeri, Thank you very much for your message to me, how are you doing today and your family! i hope all is well with you.
I have read the message you sent to me, and i want to advice you to scan your passport and send it to bank with the answer i send to you okay, I want to advice you to know that for us to get this fund from bank, you have to do all i advice you to do because i know more about this fund okay. Thank you very much for asking about my wife, i want to let you know that she is fine today, and i thank God for life he gave to her today. Please can you please tell me who is Montgomery, because i have been receiving mail from this person.
Remember i advice you to keep this fund to your self until this fund is transfer to you in your account.
So please my dear i will like to advice you to send all i advice you to bank for them to do they job okay.
God bless you and your family, as you keeping on praying to my wife and my family.
God is with us.
Yours brother John.
Why aren't you responding to me? I'm worried you and that bastard Santeri are going to cheat me out of the Nazi gold I need for my trial. So, as a way of reminding you why that is a very bad idea, here's a poem I just wrote:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If I don't get my gold soon,
Your wifes hospital goes boom.
If I don't hear from you by tomorrow afternoon, I am going to take extreme measures regarding our mutual friend Santeri. That bastard is going to feel my wrath!
Montgomery Archibald Mäkinen
Montgomery is my cousin, like I have told you before. He's also related to Sunderland. Whereas I am Sunderlands daughter's husband's grandchildren's cousin, he is only Sunderlands grandchild. Basically we both are as much related to him and therefore both have as much right to get his money, even though Sunderland is still alive and not dead, a fact which I am now going to assume you just don’t care about at all. In some strange way I envy your way of life. I too would like to choose the truths I am going to live by, but alas, I am not a sociopath.
I told this to you before too, but Montgomery thought he could get some of the Nazi gold. Newest twist is that I decided to cut him off. You really should read the mails I send to you. I don't like to repeat myself all the fucking time. When you watch movies, do you need to rewind back every five minutes because you weren't paying enough attention? If so, I think it's ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). If it's not ADHD, then it must be some worm or a tumor that is diggin away in your brain, causing your brain activity to descend. You should go and get that shit checked out.
Anyway, I'm still looking for my passport so I could send the bank the notice. So just hold on. And don't let your wife die now, we are so close to the goal.
Thank you very much for your message to me, i will like you to try your best to make sure that you find the passport and send it to bank with the answer i sent to you. I think that bank want to know who they transfer this fund to, that is why you have to send your passport to them.
I will like you to talk to you cousin Montgomery, so that you can work together to make sure that this fund is transfer to your account. i will like write to Montgomery and i will let him or she know that you can work with him.
God is with us.
Yours brother John.
Please i will like to let you know that you have to work with your cousin
Santeri to make sure that this fund is transfer to his account, so as soon
as this fund is transfer to his account, then I and my family will come to
meet you people there for us to have our money from this fund okay.
Stop talking to me like that okay.
God bless you and your family, as you know that i have a sick wife, please
help me to pray to God for her to get better soon.
God is with us.
Yours brother John.
Look, a lot has happened since we last messaged each other. So bare with me, please.
Montgomery (He is a man, you apparently didn't know this at your last mail but yeah, Montgomery is a man’s name) came to my place and tried to kill me. He had good reasons, I'll admit that. I was trying to cut him off. Also, I have slept with his wife. This is something I admitted immediately once his attack began. I said the sex was her idea and that I was forced into it by violence. If you had ever seen a picture of his wife, you would understand. Anyway, this fact was news to Montgomery and so instead of a emotional moment where he would have stopped the attack and respected my straightforwardness and maybe cried, it just fueled his rage.
And then, while I was on the ground and Montgomery was about to hit me with his axe, I saw it. My passport. It was under my couch.
I yelled stop and Montgomery, hearing the raw emotion and force in my voice, listened and obeyed. I grabbed my passport and got up. I told Montgomery that this little fucker was the only thing between us and the Nazi gold.
"Us?" he asked. I lifted my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. "Us. We are a team, cousin".
And then we started drinking. Later that night we were discussing philosophy. It was quickly decided, that because the only way we know we exist in this world is to think we exist in this world where we know we exist, we took the first airplane to Fuerteventura. While there, Montgomery met a lovely woman called Annabella and they made sweet love by our fireplace in the hotel suite. I drank some wine and watched from the couch.
The next day we three rented a ship and took sail to atlantic. I had told Montgomery that once we were in the open ocean, he could make sweet love to Annabella and I could watch them again from the captains deck. But when we were far out in the ocean, I threw Montgomery and Annabella overboard along with a liferaft. He yelled to me from the water, asking how could I watch them make sweet love in the water as the murky water would block the view, but I just yelled to him that nobody would find them and see them make love now! Then I laughed evilly and left. I am not the good guy in this story.
Anyway, then I took the boat back to the islands and flew straight back home.
But yeah, I cut him off again. This time in the atlantic.
Bad news is that because I rented the boat I had to put my passport as collateral. And because I drank the minibar before coming back to the marina, I never reclaimed my passport. The bill would have been astronomical! The way I got into the airplane though, that was just pure genious of me. I killed a guy who looked like me and used his passport. And then I lost that passport in an unrelated skiing accident few hours ago.
So, is it really so bad I don't have a passport? I do have an really old passport, if that would be ok? Should I use my old passport?
(Also, stop mailing to Montgomery immediately! The police might find the correspondence)
Thank you very much for your message to me, and i want to let you know that i have read your message.
I will like to advice you to use your Old passport and send it to bank with the answer i send to you, i think why bank need your passport is for them to know who they transfer this fund to, so i will like to advice you to send to bank now.
God bless you and your family, as you keeping on praying to my wife and better of this fund.
God is with us.
Yours brother John.
I have lost the banks e-mail address so I will sent you the Passport instead. Could you please pass it on to the bank.
I have been having nightmares about Montgomery surviving the ordeal. If he does survive, is there any legal way for me to have him killed? I know I should have just shot him, it would have been easier and my mind would have been at rest, but I kinda felt sorry for him. That's why I decided to left him in the hands of god. Just like your wife, if by god we mean me. Is she already dead by the way?
Odotin yli viikon vastausta Peter Johnilta, mutta mitään ei kuulunut. Harmi...